Okay, I moved past having a poisonous, three foot snake plunked down on the desk in front of me. I let it go, and if you know me you, you’ll understand I have trouble letting stuff go. But I did, in what I like to believe is a very forgiving and mature manner.
EXCEPT.
The co-worker, herein known as The Fucker (named for what I called him repeatedly, in a voice of utter hysteria) decided NOT to let it go. He thinks it’s FUNNY to see me screech and cower and stand on chairs.
Today he said something about: didn’t I see the snake he put in the bathroom? And I said I’m not falling for that shit, OF COURSE there was no snake! Ha! Good try, pal. But of course, being of suspicious (paranoid) nature, I got up to check. And there was a bucket, an EMPTY bucket!
The top was popped up, as if some reptile had managed to somehow slither to freedom. And I yelled, in a voice edging on blind panic, that if ever there was a snake coiled in that stupid fucking bucket, it DID NOT REMAIN THERE.
And he got up to come check, and started poking around with a BROOM, making noises that he had no idea how it could have gotten out, it was so unlikely, and continued looking for the rattlesnake that was loose in the office.
I was inching around, glancing in corners and behind furniture and wincing at the slightest movement, and sort of half-yelling that if I got attacked I was going to kick his ass so hard and alternatively accusing him of being full of it, or pulling some kind of sick prank.
And then something brushed my leg and I squealed (I’m sorry, fellow females, there is no other word to describe the highly undignified noise I made) and whirled, and he was standing there clutching the broom LAUGHING.
He bumped me with the broom. There was never any snake - just an elaborate prank. I was murderous. I yelled and made degrading hand gestures and slugged him a couple of times on the arm for good measure, none of which caused him to do anything but LAUGH HARDER.
IT IS ON. I don’t care that he has some kind of reputation as the best prankster who has ever worked here, and supposedly no one can best him, blah blah fucking blah. He has PISSED ME OFF. And humiliated me (see: squealed). I will find a unique way to make him suffer that will completely put his balls on the chopping block, so help me god.
This is war.
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